everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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