Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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