He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
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pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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