Soap is not a condiment
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
