Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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