i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There's always time for handjobs
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
