i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
