Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
