she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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