I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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