By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
