Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
