Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
