you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
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Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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