I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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