The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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