So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
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I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think a kid would responsible me up
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
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I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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