I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize