Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
