How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
