3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
