we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
