im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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