you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We had sex on a dog bed..
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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