Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
