I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I think I just sharted jello shots
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