Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
