did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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