If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
