....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
