on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
