I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
