I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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