i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
