I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
