Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
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