I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
time to smoke my breakfast
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Im part way to drunk.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
