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the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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