He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
