Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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