I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
