I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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