Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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