I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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