so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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