i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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