Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
