i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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