Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
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I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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