Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
