She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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