i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
