I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
