ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
