I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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