just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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